December 1, 2016

You Win, Stress

I've mentioned briefly on my blog that I've been dealing with anxiety for most of my life. With that also tends to come depression, which I'm beginning to think has been creeping up on me.

I promised when I started this blog to be true to who I was, and share my REAL life. Not a facade made to act as a pretty shiny wrapper on a broken package. So today, I'm opening up to tell you all that I am at my breaking point.

This last year, I have dealt with a lot of stress and demons I didn't realize still bothered me. I'm starting to realize I can no longer ignore the elephants in the room. After my son was born, he was in the NICU for 11 days. And it was the 11 most stressful days of my life. We were extremely fortunate enough for him not to have any serious issues and were able to take home a happy and healthy little boy. Following our delivery and NICU stay, I was faced with double the amount of doctor's appointments than you'd normally have for an infant, as he also was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. This included regular endocrinologist visits and blood draws on a tiny baby. 

On top of all this, after being on maternity leave for 4 weeks, I then received a phone call from my job to find out I was being laid off. Never in my life had I ever been fired or lost a job. I panicked and didn't know what was happening. To put the icing on the cake, I had a terrible and unstable relationship with my father which began to cause a strain with extended family.

Being home  alone on maternity leave didn't help me. I had no one to talk to and I was extremely lonely. It was winter, so leaving the house with a new baby was not wise. I could feel myself shutting off from things.

This should of been the time that I decided to tell my doctor that I had been feeling down and out, and that I thought I may have postpartum depression. But instead, I decided to bury it and push through it. I had to for my son and for my husband. For my family. 

I was fortunate enough to find another job with a former employer of mine, and I decided to go back to work after only 8 weeks of maternity leave. I was so excited to start work again, and in a better job! How great! And it is great. I love my job. What I didn't anticipate was how difficult it was going to be to juggle a new baby, working, going back to school, and taking care of myself.

Over the past couple months, my stress has increased dramatically. Having anxiety with stress is a recipe for disaster. I find myself sad more times than I'm happy, and I find myself getting short tempered with the people who are just trying to help. I've come to point that I am telling people I am one bad day away from a break down. And this is my light bulb. I can't continue doing this. So today, I have decided to take a step back and I will be taking care of myself for a little while. With that, I need to take a step back from Top Knots & Sweatpants until I can find a better balance. My hope is to resume writing and posting by the end of January, but for now...I need to just focus on become myself again. I need to do this for me, for my husband and for Cooper. They don't deserve to have someone not present. 

I hope all can understand, and I hope to come back and continue to share my story and reviews with everyone. Until then, I thank all my readers for being such a kind and supportive group of people.


  1. I hope you feel better, it's good to take some time to relax and take care of yourself!
    Xo, Kelsey