January 23, 2017

The Bachelor Rundown & Predictions: Nick Viall (SPOILERS)

Okay my fellow Bachelor Nation lovers. We are a few weeks into Nick Viall’s season and it’s time to give you a quick rundown of who actually matters and who we could give two shits about.


This season, Nick seems back to his old self. So long is the self-aware, bluntly honest Nick we came to love on Bachelor in Paradise. Nick has fallen right in line with the fa├žade any Bachelor is supposed to keep up…a jilted man looking for love. Barf! Nick seems to be super interested in anyone with large assets and zero common sense (cough….Corinne….cough). I really had high hopes for this season of The Bachelor, but it just seems like more of the same garbage. Sigh…


Who Is Relevant


Corinne Olympios dominated social media on Monday night after the most recent episode showed her napping during the rose ceremony (and pretty much every other part of the show) and revealing to the girls that she has a nanny that she just can’t live without. Corinne decided the best way to score points with Nick was to be completely naked under a trench coat during their talk before a rose ceremony, and force him to awkwardly lick whipped cream of her chest. All my husband and I could think of when she did this was Ali Larter’s famous role as Darcy in Varsity Blues. The best part is someone made a Twitter account for Corinne’s Nanny. And it has more followers than Corinne herself does.


Everyone knew Vanessa would be a front runner since day one. It’s even rumored online that Vanessa received the final rose. I believe it. She’s smart, sexy, is a special education teacher, ffs. She has “wifey” written all over her forehead. During her one-on-one date with Nick this week, she puked multiple times while in some zero gravity simulator plane. Nick of course comforted her. Yawn. The only thing that would have made this date entertaining was if Nick puked after seeing her puke. Or if her puke floated in space. Why am I not a producer?

Raven, Rachel, Danielle M., Danielle L.

A few other impressionable ladies, but still not really stealing the spot light yet. Raven is an Arkansas girl with a thick southern accent who loves college football, Rachel received the first impression rose, Danielle M. is the sweetest person you’ll ever meet in the entire world and is a neonatal nurse (go NICU nurses!), and Danielle L. is just a bombshell who is a really good dancer.


Who really doesn’t matter, but is pure Bachelor gold


Meet Alexis, the dolphin girl. She showed up in a shark costume on the first night, insisting she was dressed as a dolphin. She’s a pretty wacky chick from New Jersey (not surprised), and she is our Bachelor hero for saying what every contestant probably wants to when their name is called for a rose, “Move, Bitches.” Endless applause.


I am noting Christen because she is one of the few contestants with class. When former contestant, Liz, revealed to Christen privately that she had met Nick prior to coming on the show and they had slept together, Christen showed serious grace and class by keeping that information to herself and not sharing it with anyone else. When Nick brought it up in their one-on-one conversation on a group date, Christen again handled the topic like a lady, didn’t overreact or throw accusations. She also didn’t bash Liz once. Christen wins the award for strictly abiding by Girl Code. Also, she squealed like a 12 year old when the Backstreet Boys came to announce their group date. She is all of us. 

Jasmine G.

A pro basketball dancer and former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, Jasmine is headed straight on the path for a future Real Housewife. I don’t know why she even bothered to go on this show. She just needs to find a rich man in Beverly Hills, Atlanta, New Jersey, Potomac or New York and I’m sure she will be all set. Her intentions are strictly for fame, but she did do a pretty sweet face plant in heels last week. So I’m giving her some space here.


The Predictions

Everyone else is pretty forgettable and to be honest, looking at pictures of the contestants I’ve never seen half of them on screen. My prediction is that Corinne, Rachel, Raven and Vanessa will make it to the final four. Corinne will ultimately be eliminated once Nick realizes she’s a child, he will realize Raven is too country bumpkin for him, and he will realize Rachel is just plain boring. Vanessa getting the final rose and proposal. After a very public year together, Vanessa and Nick will split with some bull shit excuse that trying to integrate their lives was just extremely taxing on both of them and living in separate countries put a strain on their relationship. And we can finally be done with Nick Viall, and ABC will go back to selecting guys who “deserve” to be the Bachelor/Bachelorette. No more curve balls.

What are some of your final four predictions? I'm dying to hear what everyone else thinks of this season!


  1. I love your predictions, but I think Vanessa is way too good for him. Now, I REALLY like Nick (if only I was single)...but I just think he needs a happy medium between a good girl and a bad girl, and I think Vanessa and Danielle M. are too much of the "nice girl" for him!

    1. Totally agree. Nick doesn't seem like he does "the girl next door" types. And you're right. Vanessa is WAY too good for him. Why is she still single?!

  2. Couldn't agree more! But, I think Danielle M. will make it to the final 4.