August 23, 2016

Is it Ever OK to Be Friends With Your Exes?


 I am having serious writer’s block today, so today’s post will just be a random stream of consciousness (and maybe some unconsciousness…I’m really tired.)

For some reason, I can’t get a conversation Tim and I had last night out of my head.

We got on the conversation on if it’s appropriate to be friendly with an ex, especially once you are married. I come from the school of thought that it’s not right. And that doesn’t come from jealousy, but it comes from the fact that it’s very rare that both parties will have zero romantic feelings leftover, even nostalgic feelings, for each other and therefore it’s not appropriate to be friends with them. Cordial, absolutely! You don’t need to be an asshole. But like texting every now and then, or having a 20 minute conversation together if you run into each other…no.  Not cool. You’re not only possibly leading the other person on, but you are also making me look like a fool in the process, even if it’s unintentional and harmless.

My husband is very different. He doesn’t really think much of his exes. He doesn’t seem to have any type of emotional ties to them so he feels it is fine to casually text them if you see something that reminds you of them, or to be casual friends. The problem we’ve encountered with this, and I’ve told him before, not all of his exes are coming into their “friendship” with the same intentions. And some of them, I’m sure it’s just out of an old habit. But regardless, anyone who disrespects me and our relationship, our marriage is not someone I want my husband associating with, even on a casual level. If you see them out somewhere, a simple “Hey! How are you? Good to see you,” will suffice. There is no need to go any further than that.

I am not crazy. And I’m not jealous. I’ve just been in relationships where I’ve tried to be friends with exes and even when my intentions were pure, a lot of times the other person’s feelings may not be and it causes issues with your current relationship. I’ve even been on the opposite side of the situation. I just think exes should stay where they belong, in the past. You can be happy for them and want what’s best for them and still not have to be friends with them.

Maybe it has to do with how differently men and women process break ups. Many guys can just turn it off like a switch, but I think women tend to hang on to those emotions and pain much longer. I won’t deny that there was never love between myself and some of my exes because there was. That certainly does NOT mean there is now. I love my husband very much and only have eyes for him. My husband takes the approach of denying there was ever any love between him and his exes. Maybe it’s just hindsight. I’m interested to hear other people’s opinions on this...

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